I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
No laws when master is gone
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.