I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
This is my brand.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Beware of fowl play.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.