5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Me driving through Toronto
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips