5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Matt Goss
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh