[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]