i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
stand with me against insufficient seating
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”