God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
You Might Also Like
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.