The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?