After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.