*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.