This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.