I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot