Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Oceanography is all about current events
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!