Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?