It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.