My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Peace was never an option
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.