“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Genius idea!!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet