If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Fat chances are my favorite chances