sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon