Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
You Might Also Like
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Running from your problems is cardio .
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF