[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
britain’s three elite institutions
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: