A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
very niche meme I made
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Hard not to take this personally
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Current mood: Potato
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.