Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
You Might Also Like
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?