I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.