[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.