Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Super Hand Dog Face
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.