Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?