“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Who chose this font
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The Struggle
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.