At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
A dad and his duck
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.