I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]