Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
man i love columbo
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.