I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
me when i see my girls butt
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.