No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Kermit goes Blue.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
britain’s three elite institutions
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey