I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!