Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.