2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
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Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Good morning y’all ☀️
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning