That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
#gardening
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat