Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.