Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
im all 3
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.