I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Hey I worked for it too!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
pictures of spider-man
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Merica.