My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
i smell a pulitzer
I think this should do it.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.