My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot