My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.