*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
what’s more important?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.