I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Saturday
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us