My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“Sheer Arrogance”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.