My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
back to work
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.