My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Just a reminder, folks:
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?