Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
This made me smile…
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired