The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me recordaron éste meme
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.